Friday, February 13, 2015

Total Confusion

Bruce Jenner is one totally confused dude.  Not only was he involved in a recent fatal car accident for which he can provide only sketchy details, but he is going to become a woman.  That's right, in the odd event that you have not heard this already, Bruce Jenner, Olympic Gold Medalist in the Decathalon, Wheaties box hero, has decided he's really a chick.  The saddest part of this tale is that it could have been avoided.  There is a veritable cargo train of bat-s*** insanity that led to this point - allow me to conduct you...

It all started back in 1947 when Eunice had a baby boy.  As a toddler he developed rickets, but his mother couldn't afford the orthopedic shoes necessary to correct his leg growth problem.  So, she put his shoes on the wrong feet in an attempt to mimic the effect.  In a very Forrest Gump-like twist of fate, this strengthened the boys legs so he could run like the wind.

A dominant high school athlete, he was able to attend the University of Southern California on an athletic scholarship.  In 1968, he led the NCAA in rushing on his way to winning the Heisman trophy.  He was then chosen by the Buffalo Bills with the first pick in the NFL Draft in 1969.

"Wait!  What?!? 
Bruce Jenner never played football at USC or in the NFL!!!"

Yeah, you're right.  But I warned you ahead of time that this story was just chock-full of crazy.  Bear with me for a moment as we go back into our looney tale...

The football player in question is one Orenthal James Simpson.  O.J., as he was better known, had a fantastic NFL career that led to much fame & fortune (during which time, in 1976, Bruce Jenner won his gold medal at the Montreal Olympics).  In 1977, O.J. met a cocktail waitress named Nicole.  Though already married, O.J. began a serious affair with Nicole.  He divorced his first wife in 1979 and married Nicole in 1985.  The marriage ended in divorce in 1992 under hints of spousal abuse.

In 1994, Nicole and her boyfriend were found murdered (NSFW).  The prime suspect was her ex-husband, O.J.  We all remember it - it was the trial of the century.  And who was O.J.'s defense attorney?  Yes, everyone remembers Johnny "If the glove doesn't fit" Cochran, but most only vaguely recall the rest of his legal team:  Robert Shapiro, F. Lee Bailey, and ROBERT KARDASHIAN.  O.J. stayed at Kardashian's house for the days following the murder, and some conspiracy theorists (including one of the prosecutors) believe that Kardashian was involved in hiding evidence.

Three years prior to the Simpson trial, Robert Kardashian divorced his wife, Kris.  One whole month later, Kris was married to Bruce Jenner.  Nicole Brown Simpson and Kris, the former Mrs. Robert Kardashian, had been best friends.

So, Bruce Jenner was married to the ex-wife of O.J. Simpson's attorney (accomplice?) and said wife was best friends with the murder victim.  Bruce inherited three step-daughters that are famous for being what can best be described as angels.  Add their fame-at-any-cost mother into the mix of this attention-seeking circus and you get:
The Four Whores of the Apocalypse?

Thankfully, Bruce and Kris got divorced before he had to accept that jackass Kanye West as his step-son-in-law.  But the damage was obviously already done.  Going from Olympic hero, to actor, to attention-whore background piece, err, reality TV supporting star clearly made him lose his freaking mind.  

1       oz       Vodka
1       oz       Coconut Rum
1       oz       Southern Comfort
1/4    oz       Apple Schnapps

Add all 4 ingredients to a martini shaker 1/2 full of ice
Shake vigorously
Strain into a chilled cocktail (martini) glass

So, how will the tale of Bruce Jenner end?  If you said "in pantyhose", stop being so crass.  This all could have easily been prevented.  
Just remember, every time you let your child wear his shoes on the wrong feet, Michael Phelps puts on lipstick.

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