Dead Man Walking

Every year around this time, Forbes magazine releases their Top-Earning Dead Celebrity List.  This year's top 5 are:

Bob Marley

$18 million will buy a lot of Cheetos, mon.

Liz Taylor

$25 Million.  And not a penny from her 7 divorce settlements.

Charles Schulz

The Great Pumpkin has been good to his estate to the tune of $37 Million.

Elvis Presley

The King of Rock & Roll is still living...ummm...large.  $55 Million.

Michael Jackson

$160 Million. Mike not only tops dead celebs, he was the highest money-making celeb PERIOD.

(Bubbles the Chimp declined an interview.)

DEAD MAN WALKING

1 oz        Jack Daniels

1 oz        Jagermeister

1 oz        Tequila

 

In a large shot glass, combine the Jack & Jager

In a separate glass, pour the shot of tequila

Shoot the first one

Chase with tequila

Frozen Yeti

As I am one of the world's foremost cryptozoologists*, I found this week's news that the mystery of the Yeti has been solved extremely intriguing.

*citation needed

It appears our abominable snowman friend was the lovechild of an ancient polar bear & an ancestor of the Himalayan regions brown bear.

Brown Bear, Brown Bear, what do you see?

"I see a white babe just below me."

Send these two lovebirds to dinner for some nice raw salmon steaks with baby seal eye tartar and a little "hibernation" time, and what do you get a few months later?

Mystery solved.

FROZEN YETI

1 oz        Blue Curacao

1 oz        Orange Rum

1 oz        Triple Sec
1 oz        Raspberry Vodka

4 oz        Grapefruit Juice

3 cups    Ice

 

 

Put all ingredients into a blender & blend until smooth

Serves 2

Kori's Saturday Night Special

October 11, 1975 saw the very first broadcast of Saturday Night Live, the longest-running sketch comedy show in history.  SNL launched the careers of several very famous actors, including:

• Adam Sandler
• Chris Rock
• Eddie Murphy
• Tina Fey
• Will Ferrell
• Dan Akroyd
• Bill Murray
• Mike Myers
• Chevy Chase
• Kristen Wiig

As a matter-of-fact, Joan Cusack, Billy Crystal, and Iron Man himself each spent a year honing their comedic edges on Saturday Night Live.

I'd like to express a sincere R.I.P. to one particular episode's host and the recurring star that appeared with him in perhaps the greatest SNL skit of all time:



KORI'S SATURDAY NIGHT SPECIAL
1    oz        Banana Liqueur
1    oz        Coconut Rum
1/2 oz        Dark Rum
1   scoop   Vanilla Ice Cream

Put all ingredients into a blender

Blend until smooth (if it's too thick, just add a little milk or cream)

Pour into a chilled glass mug
Top it off with a cherry

I have no idea who "Kori" is, but I do know that Jane is an ignorant slut.

Washington Cocktail

As we are all aware by now, the U.S. Federal Government in Washington, D.C. has been shut down since last Thursday. 

But where is the panic?
The chaos?
Fire and brimstone coming down from the skies?
Rivers and seas boiling?
Forty years of darkness?
Earthquakes, volcanoes?
The dead rising from the grave?
Human sacrifice, dogs and cats living together... mass hysteria?

Well, if you ask me, that's because the overwhelming majority of Americans don't really need the 535 jerks in Congress, 9 jerks on the Supreme Court, 2 jerks in the White House, and the untold army of  bureaucratic jerks in Washington D.C. telling them what to do and how to live to be able to make it through the day.  We can wake up, eat breakfast, go to work, come home, have dinner, brush our teeth and go to bed without ever giving a passing thought to any of the politically-charged crap those idiots think is so important.

Jerks.

 Black-Robed Jerks.

The dirty secret to this whole "shutdown" thing is that it's not really a shutdown.  Any part of the U.S. Government considered "essential" is still fully functional.  Which begs the question: "If there are non-essential functions that we can do without while the jerks in Congress are having their petty squabbles, then why the hell are those same jerks spending OUR money on these things in the first place?"

Oh, yeah.  One other thing about the Washington, D.C. "shutdown"...

Congress still gets paid.

Screwing-The-Little-People-While-Collecting-Their-Fat-Paycheck Jerks.

I swear, it's almost enough to drive you to drinking.

WASHINGTON COCKTAIL

1.5     oz        Dry Vermouth
.75     oz        Cognac
1        dash    Bitters
1        dash    Simple Syrup

Add all ingredients to a mixing glass with ice
Stir
Strain into a chilled cocktail (martini) glass

"Suppose you were an idiot, and suppose you were a member of Congress; but I repeat myself."
---Mark Twain

Suppose you were an idiot, and suppose you were a member of Congress; but I repeat myself.
Mark Twain
Read more at http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/keywords/congress.html#Ti2rSLK1Hg4atGG6.99

J.R.'s Godfather

J.R. Ewing, of the 2-era spanning hit series Dallas, remains the all-time greatest villain in television history.

Unless you count C-SPAN as television...then this b**** wins.

J.R. was played by the great Larry Hagman, who died November 23, 2012.  Every year television's Emmy Awards has a nice eulogy section for TV stars that passed in the previous calendar year.  So on this year's "In Memoriam" segment they of course...didn't mention him at all.

WTF?
 

He was J.R. ****ing EWING!!!

The episode "Who Done It?", which revealed the answer to the worldwide question "Who shot J.R.?" was at it's time the highest-watched TV series episode EVER (and currently sits in second place to this day). Again, J.R. Ewing.  I suppose they must have had a very good reason to not include the actor of the tube's most iconic villain, right?

The strung-out punk from Glee?  Instead of J.R.?

It's official, friends.  Network television sucks. 

J.R.'s GODFATHER

2     oz        Bourbon
1/2  oz        Amaretto

1) Fill a rocks glass with ice
2) Add liquors
3) Stir

4) Scheme

Bourbon Sling

Most drinkers have heard of the Singapore Sling (which just might be featured on this blog at some point in the future).  But, in keeping with the theme of National Bourbon Heritage Month, today's recipe is another bourbon cocktail.

Bourbon is a wonderful liquor.  Depending on the amount consumed, it can make you [think you are] comical, whimsical, hysterical, adorable, agreeable, beautiful, commendable, valuable, lovable, delightful, genial, sociable, acceptable, graceful, presentable, tasteful, desirable, enjoyable, pleasurable, invincible, and even invisible. 

WARNING:  Excessive use of BOURBON can result in wearing the following SLINGS-

BOURBON SLING


2     oz        Bourbon
1     oz        Lemon Juice
1     tsp       sugar
*     ****       *****

Add all 3 ingredients to a martini shaker 1/2 filled with ice
Shake vigorously
Strain into a chilled cocktail (martini) glass

* Yes, technically this drink calls for 2 tsps of water, but as we learned with another classic bourbon drink:
"I don't water down my drinks.  And neither should you."
---Craig 11/9/12

 Mmm-hmm.

Churchill's Holiday

I'm not really sure about the origin of this drink's name.  After all, Winston Churchill was a notorious gin martini drinker, not a bourbon connoisseur.  Once asked how much vermouth he would like in his martini he was quoted as saying: "I would like to observe the vermouth from across the room while I drink my martini."

In any event, this is a bourbon cocktail.  Why bourbon?  Because September is National Bourbon Heritage Month.  Now we have yet another reason to love September along with school starting again, NFL season starting, a VIP birthday,  and Labor Day.  So pick any of those for the "Holiday" part of the name, ignore the "Churchill" part, and enjoy this autumn cocktail.

CHURCHILL'S HOLIDAY


1.5     oz     Bourbon
1/2     oz     Cointreau
1/2     oz     Honey Liqueur
1/2     oz     Apple Cider
 3 pinches cinnamon

Pour ingredients in to a mixing glass with ice
Stir gently
Strain into a chilled cocktail glass
Garnish with an orange wheel

It's Football Time!

OK, so technically football season has already started.
If you like the inferior college game.
Yeah, yeah, boo if you want.  You know I'm right.

I prefer to watch the game as played by enormous men moving at unholy speeds crashing into each other with forces that could split atoms all while making crap-tons of money.
(OK, so Johnny Manziel also does the latter, go college!).

I could debate the college vs. pro game all day, but the true question to be addressed on this blog is "What to drink while watching?"

The simple answer is Beer.

If you are just looking to enjoy a few brews while lightly snacking on popcorn, pretzels, chips, and the like then one of the light beers from the American pilsner trifecta is probably your best bet:


Nachos, tacos & burritos?


Pizza, barbeque, fried fish?


Baked hummus and spinach dip, brie & crackers, cheddar fondue?

You are a chick and you're not watching the game anyway.  Drink whatever the hell you want and shut up if it's not a commercial.

GO COWBOYS!